At a very young age, I learned that there was something different and “not normal” with the way I thought and acted. I knew my brain was different. It was faster. It was deeper. I was smart, but then at the same time, things that could seem so simple were really hard and difficult to accomplish.

As I grew older, my stimming and tics (like humming, singing, talking, moving my feet etc.)  quickly annoyed those around me. I started to hide them and forced myself to sit still to appear just like everyone else. Between my over-awareness and corrective punishment from the adults around me, I lost all of my self-stimming behaviors. I still used hidden techniques like biting my lips or tapping my fingers, but because of the verbal stims bothering others, I became almost the opposite and found it harder to speak as I grew older.  I felt emotions so deeply and my senses were magnified and caused extreme discomfort. However, every time I told someone, it was just seen as picky or high maintenance. My needs were often dismissed, or I was made to feel like a burden. So, in turn, I quit advocating for myself. I stopped speaking up to make myself comfortable. I learned to bend over backwards to become a people pleaser, and I was very good at it. I made this complete person that got me through grade school, college and a career. I found a partner and developed a family, friends, etc.

Then it all eventually became too much, and I fell into a depressive state. I began a lot of deep therapy to try to remove this fake personality I had developed over the years to really find my true self again. During this journey I was able to heal to a point where I could really begin to see myself and could start trying to understand my own mental health struggles. I stumbled across late-diagnosis autism in women and all the children who were misdiagnosed in the 80s & 90s and even now. The more I educated myself, the more my life made sense. I was able to understand why I have felt so different for so many years. The more I became myself, I started stimming again, which has given me extreme self-regulation. I began to identify my emotions and soothe my sensory systems. I am properly medicated and have the best medical team around. I truly feel as though I have rediscovered my genuine self. It has been a long journey over the past 2 years, and I know there will be tough times ahead, but the amount of knowledge and self-awareness I have gained already is worth the struggle!

It took some time to work up the strength and courage to share this very vulnerable part of my life and my whole self. Along with telling my story comes a role of education, because of the misrepresentation of autism and other neurodiversities by the media. I don’t want others to have to write a story to come out of the darkness. I don’t want others to have to struggle and fight through life.  I don’t only want to change the world for neurodiverse individuals, I want to change the way neurotypical/neuronormative people see us in the world.